Weird Tales Magazineheld a short story contest that required participants to write a tale based on a SPAM subject line. “Boy eats fried rat, pictures” seemed particularly odd. I was fortunate enough to win second place.
Almost everyone has seen the pictures, and the unfortunate few at the Coma Farm who haven’t will be getting the audio version with their next round of Oxygen Blast®.
I ate a fried rat.
It all started this morning. I got up and immediately updated my “life^feed®.” As I’m sure you’re aware, last night’s dream was a big disappointment and I made sure that everyone knew. See the thing is, I’m kind of like a big deal on “life^feed®.” I got like 30 thousand people following me, so it’s kind of expected that I weigh in, you know, on everything. So yeah, the dream was stupid gay. “I want my 8 hours back,” I totally posted that. I mean seriously, this season’s dreams are completely lame and there are times when, I swear, I think about opting out.
When I got to work, I updated my geographic location on “feed®” (that’s what everyone calls it now). Normally all that would be handled by GPS, but I was such a dumb shit that I bricked my v.4 implant trying to run a pirated copy of “Historical Sex Kittens: The Golden Girls.” For two weeks my nipples looked like Bea Arthur. I had to downgrade to 3.5 which means I have to use a web interface like some kind of animal.
After that, my co-workers and I took a break to watch video feeds. Boring. I mean how many assassinations are they gonna cut to the old Benny Hill theme? Finally though, Richie points at the vendor in the corner and says, “Dude, you should totally eat that sandwich.”
I looked over at the machine. This particular vendor hasn’t worked in decades. I mean, Big Pete claimed it once spit out a Bacon Sack, but Big Pete’s also a liar. No one’s seen a Sack since that guy asphyxiated himself. I saw the video too, it was just okay. Anyway, there was something lodged in the dispenser alright but it wasn’t a sandwich.
It was a rat.
The stupid animal had caught itself in the shoot and the last time someone downloaded a Fried Meat Bucket® completely cooked it in fat grease.
“Eat that sandwich, dude.”
“This isn’t a sandwich,” I replied.
“Your mom’s a sandwich,” Richie said and immediately posted his snappy retort on “Hooker®” (nobody uses “feed®” anymore).
No way I’m looking stupid, I thought. I can eat this. I grabbed the fried varmint with both hands and said, “Dude, get your camera.”
“I’m a v.4, I can take it with my eyes.”
“Dick,” I said and bit down. The meat flavoring did little to improve the taste as my friend’s eyes exploded in a white hot flash.
Last time I checked, our pic had like 48 million views or something and over a 100 million comments. The really funny ones are mine.
(August, 18th 2008)